CHAPTER 1

The Obvious Things We Explain Away

The Silent House

A husband and wife sit in the same room while living in different worlds. He scrolls through football updates; she studies photographs of somebody else’s apparently happy marriage. Their child calls, “Daddy, look! Mummy, look!” but neither gives the child their full attention. The house is occupied, yet presence has disappeared.

Researchers use the term “partner phubbing” to describe phone use or distraction in the company of a romantic partner. “Technoference” refers more broadly to interruptions caused by technology during personal interactions. Research by James A. Roberts and Meredith E. David associated partner phubbing with conflict over phone use and lower relationship satisfaction. ¹ The phone itself is a tool; the deeper question is what has captured our attention and what our relationships lose when we repeatedly turn away.

That question sounds familiar when we read Genesis 3. The serpent did not physically drag Eve away from God. He engaged her attention, questioned God’s Word and directed her thoughts towards what God had forbidden (Genesis 3:1–6). This does not make every distraction a temptation or every smartphone a serpent. It does, however, invite us to consider how what repeatedly receives our attention can influence our desires.

The Busyness That Masks Avoidance

Some homes are silent because so much is happening that there is little room for honest conversation. Overtime, church commitments, school runs, ministry, shopping, children’s activities and appointments fill the calendar. When the day ends, screens offer another escape. There is always another responsibility, another event or another reason to postpone the question, “What is happening to us?” Busyness can become respectable avoidance. A calendar may be full while a marriage is empty.

Even our service to God can become a hiding place if it leaves us unwilling to let Him examine our hearts. Adam and Eve hid among the trees after their disobedience (Genesis 3:8). Our hiding places may look different, but the instinct remains recognisable. We may retreat into silence or anger, bury ourselves in work or ministry, or use the demands of parenting to avoid facing the distance between us. Sometimes our most effective hiding place is the assurance that everything is fine.God’s question still confronts us:

“Where art thou?” (Genesis 3:9 KJV)

God had not lost Adam. His question called Adam to confront where disobedience had brought him. Perhaps it needs to enter our homes again. Husband, where are you? Wife, where are you? Beyond our physical presence, where are we emotionally, spiritually and in our relationship with one another?

The Cold War of Silence

Sometimes there is no shouting and no slamming of doors, only a coldness that settles over the home. Something happened on Tuesday; by Friday, neither spouse has truly addressed it. Meals are prepared, children are taken to school, church is attended and necessary information is exchanged, but intimacy has stopped. When communication becomes especially strained, children may be drawn into the conflict as unwilling messengers: “Tell your father…” or “Ask your mother…”

The absence of shouting should never automatically be mistaken for peace. Biblical reconciliation requires truth, grace and forgiveness, together with a willingness to address wounds rather than bury them. Scripture warns believers: “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil.” (Ephesians 4: 26 – 27 KJV)

Unresolved anger can provide an opportunity for further harm. A wound may began between two people, yet the resentment that grows around it can affect the life of an entire household. Silence may conceal the conflict without resolving it.

Children Raising Themselves in a House Full of Adults

Some children are materially provided for yet lack the attention and affection they need. They have food, clothes, bedrooms, devices and organised activities, but few opportunities for their parents to listen without distraction. Provision matters, but so does the presence of adults who know their children’s fears, notice their questions and respond to their need for connection.

Research on parental techoference has found associations between technology interruptions during parent-child activities and child behaviour difficulties. The relationship can operate in both directions: parents under stress may turn to technology, while interruptions may also contribute to difficulties over time.2

These findings do not establish technology as the sole cause of family problems. They give us reason to examine what competes for our attention when our children need us.

Long before researchers named this pattern, Scripture placed the teaching of faith within the ordinary rhythms of family life: “An thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house.” (Deuteronomy 6: 7 KJV)

Such teachings requires shared life. Our children need to hear us speak about God and to see how faith shapes our conduct when no sermon is being preached. What they observe at home may remain with them long after a spoken lesson has been forgotten. We can respond to His grace.

Chapter 1 Worksheet

Reflection, Repentance and Warfare

Before You Begin

This worksheet may be completed individually or, when appropriate, together as husband and wife. Do not use your answers as ammunition against your spouse. The purpose is not to catalogue everything your husband or wife is doing wrong. The first prayer is:

“Lord, show me me.”

Read Psalm 139:23–24 before beginning:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”

1. The Conversation: What Have I Been Believing?

Genesis 3:1 begins with a challenge to God’s Word: “Yea, hath God said...?”

What recurring thought about your marriage have you been entertaining?

What emotion does that thought normally produce?

□ Anger
□ Fear
□ Rejection
□ Resentment
□ Jealousy
□ Hopelessness
□ Insecurity
□. Desire to control
□ Desire to withdraw
□ Other: __________________________________________

Is this thought completely true?

What does Scripture say that speaks to it?

Scripture: ____________________________________________________________

Write God’s truth in your own words:

2. The Sorrow: Where Does It Hurt?

What area of your marriage presently causes you the greatest sorrow?

How have you interpreted this pain?

□ As proof that my marriage has failed
□ As proof that I chose the wrong person
□ As something my spouse alone must fix
□ As something I should hide
□ As an opportunity to seek God, truth, healing and wisdom
□ As a situation requiring outside pastoral or professional help

Ask God:

“Father, what do You want to reveal, heal or change in me through this season?”

Write what comes to mind:

3. The Power Struggle: Am I Trying to Change My Spouse?

Where are you most tempted to control, pressure, manipulate, lecture, withdraw from or “fix” your spouse?

What would surrendering your spouse to God look like in practice?

Finish this prayer:

“Father, I release ________________________________________________. I cannot change my spouse, but I give You permission to change me by ________________________________________________________________.”

4. The Blame: What Is My Part?

Adam blamed. Eve explained. For this reflection, remove your spouse from the answer and complete the following sentence:

“Regardless of what my spouse has done, one area where I need to take responsibility is...”

Is there something for which you need to say, “I was wrong. Please forgive me”?

When will you have that conversation?

5. The Fig Leaves: Where Am I Hiding?

Which “fig leaves” have appeared in your marriage?

□ Silence
□ Phone or social media
□ Work
□ Children
□ Ministry or church activity
□ Television or entertainment
□ Friends
□ Avoiding intimacy
□ Secret spending
□ Pornography or sexual secrecy
□ Emotional withdrawal
□ Pretending everything is fine
□ Other: __________________________________________

What truth needs to come into the light?

What safe and wise step will you take this week?

6. “Where Art Thou?”: A Marriage Inventory

Rate each area from 1 (deeply struggling) to 5 (healthy and growing).

Area

Rating

Prayer together

_____

Communication

_____

Affection

_____

Sexual intimacy

_____

Trust

_____

Forgiveness

_____

Friendship

_____

Financial unity

_____

Spiritual unity

_____

Conflict resolution

_____

Which area most urgently needs attention?

What is one action you can take this week rather than waiting for your spouse to act first?

7. Holiness or Happiness?

Complete these sentences honestly.

“I feel happiest in my marriage when...”

“I find it hardest to act like Christ when...”

“God may currently be developing this Christlike quality in me...”

□ Patience
□ Faithfulness
□ Gentleness
□ Self-control
□ Forgiveness
□ Courage
□ Humility
□ Honesty
□ Sacrificial love
□ Perseverance

Why did you choose it?

Our Covenant Declaration

Read this aloud together if appropriate:

We choose covenant over convenience, truth over hiding, repentance over blame, service over control, forgiveness over bitterness and holiness over the pursuit of happiness at any cost.

We will not allow the enemy’s question—“Hath God said?”—to become louder than God’s Word.

When sorrow comes, we will seek God. When conflict comes, we will seek truth. When sin is exposed, we will seek repentance. When wounds are uncovered, we will seek healing. When we fall, by God’s grace, we will help one another rise.

We belong first to Christ, and we place our marriage again into His hands.

Signed: ______________________________ Date: ______________

Prayer

Father,

You are the Author of marriage and the God who comes looking for us even when we hide.

Forgive us for the times we have allowed happiness to become more important than holiness. Forgive us for blame, pride, manipulation, silence, selfishness and every fig leaf we have used to hide from You and from one another.

Expose every lie we have believed. Teach us to recognise the question, “Hath God said?”, and answer it with Your truth.

Where our hearts have become hard, soften them. Where trust has been damaged, give us wisdom for rebuilding. Where repentance is needed, give us humility. Where forgiveness is needed, give us grace. Where boundaries are needed, give us courage. Where healing is needed, lead us towards truth and help.

Teach husbands to love with the sacrificial love of Christ. Teach wives to walk in the strength, wisdom and holiness that come from belonging first to You. Teach us both to stop fighting one another and begin confronting the sin, deception, pride and spiritual opposition that seek to divide what You intended for covenant faithfulness.

Make our homes places of truth. Make our marriages places of grace. Use even the difficult places to make us more like Jesus.

We choose holiness. We choose truth. We choose obedience. And we entrust the outcome to You.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Notes and References

1. James A. Roberts and Meredith E. David, “My Life Has Become a Major Distraction from My Cell Phone: Partner Phubbing and Relationship Satisfaction among Romantic Partners,” Computers in Human Behavior 54 (2016): 134–141. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2015.07.058.

2. Brandon T. McDaniel and Jenny S. Radesky, “Technoference: Parent Distraction with Technology and Associations with Child Behavior Problems,” Child Development 89, no. 1 (2018): 100–109, https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12822; and McDaniel and Radesky, “Technoference: Longitudinal Associations between Parent Technology Use, Parenting Stress, and Child Behavior Problems,” Pediatric Research 84 (2018): 210–218, https://doi.org/10.1038/s41390-018-0052-6